Strip Club Jesus Ladies

Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the front door swing open and I peered over to see who it was.

“Shit.” I panicked and reached for my phone.

I went to my favorites list and clicked on Thomas. It made me feel special to put him on the exclusive list even if the only time I called him was at work when I needed something.

“Thomas, the Jesus ladies are here.” He let out a groan before telling me he’d be right there and to keep them near the bar.

“Hello, ladies!” I called out to them before they could make their way down to the stage.

I offered to get them a drink, knowing they would decline because they didn’t want to support our establishment.

The Jesus ladies came around every couple of months bearing goodie bags containing pamphlets with bible verses, prayer beads, and usually a note about how Jesus loves you or something.

“Hi, dear. We brought these for you girls.” Their leader smiled at me while they placed the gifts on the bar top. “There, that should be enough.”

I politely thanked her as Thomas approached them from behind.

“Hey ladies. Thank you so much. Have a good day now.” He cheerfully smiled at them and they were on their way without incident.

The Jesus ladies were always sweet but they tended to wander around the club with their little treasures if they weren’t under proper supervision.

A few months ago, one of the ladies roamed into the dressing room in the name of the Lord and sprinkled holy water on the girls. It’s best to accept the Jesus ladies’ gifts at the door and then send them on their merry way back to the land of the holy virgins.

I eagerly dug through a goodie bag to see what was inside it this time. I pulled out a little pink stuffed bear wearing a shirt that says ‘Jesus Loves You,’ as I predicted. Beaming, I held it up to show Thomas. Next, I pulled out a mini bible.

“Ooouu! How cute!” I squealed to Thomas and he shook his head. I picked up the bag and flipped it upside down to empty the remaining contents.

“CANDY!” I squealed.

It was a horrible mistake on my part. The girls swooped in like vultures and in seconds all of the bags were gone. I was left empty-handed.

With my jaw dropped, I looked up at Thomas who thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world.

“Why would you laugh at my misery, Thomas?” I shook my head.

“Simple. You’re uncontrollable when you’re hyper.”

“That’s not true.” I defended myself.

“Last time Maddog brought you a chocolate bar, you and Lupita took turns running full speed and sliding down the ramp in the chairs.”

“Not my fault they have wheels on them.”

“Not what they were meant for!” Thomas smirked and then walked away.

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