Solo Makeout Session

Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.


Lupita dug her hand into the McDonald’s bag and unwrapped a biscuit ever so slightly, just enough to see if it had cheese on it.

I went to take another bite of mine and then paused, realizing I didn’t check the cheese situation.

Fuck, mine didn’t have cheese.

I wrapped it back up and set it aside and Lupita took off with her breakfast.

I double-checked to make sure no one was looking and then quickly unwrapped the biscuit with no cheese. I peered over my shoulder one last time before licking the entire biscuit.

I hastily wrapped it back up and made my way to the office.

“Oooh Thomas!” I chirped as I popped my head in the office. He peered up at me from the computer screen. “I got you breakfast!” I announced. “No cheese. I remembered. But I accidentally took a bite of yours ’cause I thought it was mine. My bad. Here you go.” I dropped it down in front of him and scurried off.

“Thanks!” he called after me.

I wandered out to the smoking patio where I found Lupita smoking a blizzy and she held it out to me as I walked over to her.

“Lupita,” I took a hit from the blunt. “I made out with Thomas,” I told her while holding in the smoke.


I started choking and laughing. “I licked his biscuit, it’s pretty much the same thing.” I passed her the blunt.

“Dude, do you know how great today is going to be for you? After he eats that biscuit … it’s official.” She smirked.

“I know, Lupita. It’s a big day.” I placed my hand over my heart and gave her a sincere look. “We’re probably gonna get married.”

“I know. It’s true love.”

“It is. I’m gonna have his babies.” I declared.

“He will soon realize after he eats his breakfast you are the one for him.”

“My saliva and his will become one. It’s pretty much the same as making out.”

“You’re right, it is.” She started to make kissy faces and we cracked up together.

We went about our normal opening routine of searching VIP high and low for drug baggies. Lupita only recovered four but I found six that day. Afterward, we indulged in our morning shots and as the rules of the game go, Lupita paid for mine this time.

“I don’t know how you guys drink so early.” Thomas walked over to us with his mouth full and biscuit in hand.

Lupita and I both glanced down at his no cheese biscuit and suppressed our giggles.

Clearly we weren’t good at playing coy because he asked us what was up.

“I have explosive diarrhea,” I replied flatly and walked away before he suspected any foul play regarding his biscuit.

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