Tits on a Roof
Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.
A loud shrieking noise came from the other side of the club.
I braced myself for whatever the hell was about to go down and it appeared as if Thomas was doing the same thing.
He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a groan before springing into action.
Although he didn’t have to do much, because the culprit of the deafening noise turned out to be the dancer who ate all the cocaine off the floor and she was beelining it to the bar.
“I’m gonna do it! Nobody can stop me!” she hollered as she sped past us.
She was headed straight towards the back and somehow managed not to trip down the couple stairs as she flung open the back door.
I was impressed and envious at the same time.
Thomas darted behind her and, of course, my nosy ass had to see what all the commotion was about.
This was also yet another excuse for me to leave the bar.
Only, when I entered the back room, Thomas and what’s-her-tits were nowhere to be found.
It dawned on me that my whole entire life was a lie.
This was all a figment of my imagination. Reality does not exist, nor do I.
Perhaps I was a ghost and had returned to the club to drink whiskey, and hit on Thomas.
I began to wonder if I had acquired any powers in my supernatural state but was brought back to reality when the door leading outside swung open.
A disheveled Thomas looked at me wide-eyed, pleading for help.
“This is real!” I shouted. He stared at me, puzzled for a moment, and then rushed me to come outside.
Man, this is gonna be good.
I was blinded by the sunlight and began to melt and I let out a velociraptor cry as my vision slowly came back to me.
When I was finally able to see again, I discovered myself and Thomas standing there with no dancer in sight.
Did he lose her?
I heard cackling from above me and instinctively ducked.
I clung onto Thomas’s leg like a damn toddler and feared a large bird was about to swoop down and snatch me. Crouched down, I scanned the sky in search of the creature.
I found no such thing but what I did find was the dancer on the roof.
“How in the … ?” I peered up at Thomas.
“Man, she was almost all the way up the ladder by the time I got out here. I tried to grab her but …” he trailed off and gestured towards the roof.
I stood up, releasing him from my leg lock.
I was trying to figure out how she was able to get up there so fast in eight-inch heels.
It may be possible she was an avid climber but then again, I wouldn’t put anything past this chick. I had heard she was once a waitress before being demoted because she intentionally took a piss on the bathroom floor.
That’s the thing about the strip club; you’re never really fired. There’s always the option of becoming a dancer.
“Should we call the fire department? You know, they rescue cats from trees sometimes and shit. Maybe they’ll rescue a dancer too,” I proposed. “I’m sure as hell not going up there. You know me, I’ll fuckin’ kill myself,” I paused, “Wait, is she trying to kill herself? Is she about to jump off the roof or some shit? ’Cause I ain’t down to see no serious injury or death today.” I carried on.
“First off, we’re not calling the fire department. And, no, she’s not suicidal. She’s just an idiot. I’m not climbing up there either. It’ll mess up my suit,” he said curtly.
We both looked on as spectators and I had busted out my invisible binoculars.
She skipped around screaming and laughing like a maniac. There were just some things these chicks did that I would never understand.
It finally occurred to me she was running around outside topless. Inside the club, seeing boobs doesn’t faze you anymore after a couple of weeks.
“Oh man, this is fucking gold!” I threw back my head and laughed.
The girl stood near the edge and gazed down at the two of us, proclaiming she told everybody she could do it. I didn’t understand who ‘everyone’ was, due to her lack of an audience.
“Alright, you did it. Woo!” Thomas lazily cheered. “Now come down.” He attempted to peacefully resolve this issue but she refused.
I wondered what could possibly be so awesome about the roof that she desired to stay up there. It’s not like there was a breathtaking view. Besides, I didn’t exactly trust the stability of it either.
“Look, you’re gonna hurt yourself if you’re not careful. Please just come down,” Thomas coaxed, doing his best to reason with her.
“Bro, are you trying to die?” I called out to her.
It was a logical question in my opinion.
“I did cheerleading for years. We got you, I promise!” I added.
A shoe came flying off the roof and nearly struck Thomas. Those things were lethal.
Ohhhh shit. She done fucked up.
I could see the fury begin to take over Thomas.
“Listen, if you don’t get the fuck down from the roof right fucking now, I’m going to call the cops -”
“And we’re not gonna give you any clothes to wear so you’re just gonna have to go to jail half-naked and sit in a holding cell with a bunch of -” I interrupted.
Thomas shot me ‘the look’ and I shrugged my shoulders.
“It’s true.” I widened my eyes at him.
“Okay, we’re not going to do that. We will give you your clothes but if you don’t get down right now, I’m going to terminate you from the system and you will never work here again,” he threatened her.
She turned her back towards us and held her arms out. “Trust fall!” she squealed.
“Bitch, chill! You are wasted!” I yelled. “Jskdhglnvesiohkldg has coke. Come down, I’ll buy it for you.”
“Seriously, Forest?” Thomas rolled his eyes at me.
However, my smooth-talking had worked and she was beginning to make her way down the ladder, providing us an excellent view of her asshole. She slowly stepped down and Thomas and I carefully helped her to safely reach the ground.
We did not get paid enough for this shit.
As soon as we got her down, Thomas told her to get dressed and get the fuck out.
She looked over at me and I turned away.
“Will you still buy me that blow?” she asked.
For the record, I did not.