An Actual Speech I Made at my Private Catholic College

“Good morning my degenerate employees and thank you for getting up before four o’clock in the afternoon to attend this ever so important meeting.

On this glorious day, I will not be lecturing you about the shifts you don’t show up for, the abomination of a mess that night shift leaves, or the ongoing investigation on who flushed a pocket knife down the toilet — resulting in a very expensive plumbing bill.

Instead, I would like to try a different approach and highlight a model employee who you all should take notes from.

This will be our first ever “employee of the month” award. There will be incentives for receiving this award, which I will not disclose at this time.

First and foremost, this person doesn’t break company policy or laws while on the clock.

They don’t do illicit drugs on the smoking patio — including but not limited to; meth, marijuana, crack, cocaine, or opiates.

They do not enter the walk-in cooler and open the container of garlic in an attempt to disguise the smell of the marijuana they are about to smoke.

To my knowledge, they don’t partake in such activities off the clock either.

They don’t get drunk during their shifts and pass out drooling or urinating on themselves in the dressing room.

They don’t have a blood-alcohol level of .42 when their job title is “valet” and they are responsible for driving customers’ cars, nor are they incoherent by the end of their shift.

This person does not have entire liquor bottles and/or hundreds of dollars unaccounted for on a daily basis.

This person does not embezzle from the company. Just to clarify, charging a customer $4 for a soda and then pocketing that money is embezzlement.

This person does not vandalize the bathroom with drawings of genitalia, derogatory comments about fellow employees or customers, gang symbols, or profanity.

They also do not leave work for hours at a time and go to nearby clubs and buy bottle service.

This person is both consistent and professional.

They bathe before every shift, ensuring they don’t smell like last night’s booze.

They also recognize that we all know at this point what Rumpleminze smells like when it is wreaking out of your pores. You are not fooling anyone that your pepperminty breath is a symbol of proper dental hygiene. I’m not even entirely sure if you all brush your teeth.

This person’s hair has never been a health hazard.

They wash their hands after every trip to the bathroom, smoking patio, and before handling food.

This person has never pulled a “no call, no show” and is on time for every shift. This does not include arriving on time and promptly passing out in one of the back booths.

This person has never fabricated a doctor’s note with Comic Sans font, nor have they feigned pink eye while simultaneously posting on Snapchat that they woke up in New Orleans.

They wear the required uniform to work every day and have never attempted to turn another club’s uniform inside out as if the logo isn’t completely visible.

This person also completes all of their side work before leaving. This means they don’t sweep the floor and hide everything under the nearest rug.

They don’t roll silverware with only a fork because they are too incompetent to find the remainder of the silverware.

For those of you that don’t know, the dishwasher is located in the kitchen, down the hallway, and then immediately to the left.

Lastly, this person is a great representation of the club inside and outside of the workplace.

They have never assaulted, yelled at, or cussed out an employee or customer.

They have never stabbed a family member in the parking lot.

If a customer tips them poorly or not at all, they have never lashed out on them or thrown spare change at them. They have never called a customer a “cheap bastard,” nor have they encouraged someone to stay home if they don’t have any money.

This person has never blasted the club or any of its employees and/or customers on social media.

They have not threatened to call TABC, Better Business Bureau, Narcotics, APD, the Pope, etc.

This person has never been to another club in our club’s swag and gotten in a fight or told people that our club sucks and to never go there.

They have never announced that our owner is a “geriatric” or a “cabbage patch looking mother f’er.”

At our annual employee Christmas shindig, this person has never given the white elephant gift of prescription painkillers or tits drawn on joint rolling papers.

I would like to give this employee their own designated parking spot, but unfortunately, the majority of you have DUI’s and no driver’s license.

Our first employee of the month is … drum roll, please … none of you.

I would fire you all if I could but nobody in their right mind would apply for a job here. Thank you for your time and please leave immediately.”