Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.
“Let’s stay behind the bar where we’re supposed to be. Okay, Forest?” The club’s General Manager offered me a cheesy smile.
“Hellooooo there, Richard.” I replicated his stupid ass facial expression.
He asked me how it was going and we momentarily made small talk before he inevitably started showing his true feelings.
“You know, ever since you and Lupita started hanging out she’s gotten really skinny!” he remarked.
I blew him off and decided to pour a round of shots for Maddog and myself when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Forest?” I turned around and looked up at Richard. “How many shots have we had today?”
“Not enough!” Maddog and Pistol said in perfect harmony.
I broke out into laughter and then went back to pouring the shots. Richard cleared his throat as I threw back my shot and briefly cringed at the burning sensation.
“What is up mothaaaa fuckaaaaa!” I sang to Tim as he returned to the bar after disappearing for what felt like hours.
I didn’t question if he had walked out on his tab or anything. He was prone to hang out on the smoking patio for extended periods. I reached down into the beer cooler and snagged a cold one for him.
“Forest?” Richard called from behind me and then beckoned me to come closer to him.
He quickly leaned in my ear and whispered, “Let’s not call customers offensive names,” as he waved hello to Tim and flashed his signature bullshit smile. “How’s it going?” he asked Tim rhetorically.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
When I reopened them after three minutes, a girl I didn’t know strutted behind the bar and threw her purse on top of the coolers.
“Hey miss sexy lady!” Richard pulled her in for a hug. “You look super hot today!”
They loosely held hands and he twirled her around, checking out the full scenery. She smacked her butt cheek and then guided Richard’s hand to do the same.
“Forest, this is Double D. She’s the new nighttime bartender.” Richard introduced the two of us.
The girl threw her arms around me and hugged me. Then she placed both her hands on my face cheeks and kissed me on the lips.
“I remember you! You used to bartend at Love Shack, right?”
She was correct. I did in fact previously bartend at another gentlemen’s club entitled Love Shack — for all intents and purposes.
“I used to dance there, remember?” She flipped her hair and smiled at me expectantly.
“Wait, do you drink Basil Hayden’s?” I asked her.
“Yes!” she squealed.
Ah, now I remembered. She liked to get drunk and dance on the bar top but she was alright in my book because she actually tipped me when she ordered drinks.
A lot of dancers assumed they didn’t have to tip me just because they worked there, or something. It was especially annoying when they didn’t tip and they took up seats at the bar.
“Yeah, that’s right. Good to see you.” I smiled back at her.
“I gave up dancing,” she proclaimed.
We shall see how long this lasts.
“Let’s go get your money and get you all set up!” Richard lightly spanked her again. She giggled and he followed her back to the office.
“Why does Dick hate me so much?” I asked Thomas in the office at the end of our shift once Richard and Double D had cleared out.
“Probably because you call him Dick,” he suggested.