Coming to ‘Merica Betch

Below is an excerpt from my book — a mostly true story about my days as a strip club bartender in Austin, Texas where I mostly broke shit, drank a ton of booze, sometimes poured drinks, and always hit on my favorite manager.

“We have more important things to discuss right now.” I pulled up a chair next to Thomas and started to eat my breakfast. “Will you guys hire my sister?” I asked with a mouth full of food like the classy gal I am.

She was my older sister and a world traveler, at that. However, her travel funds were running low. After she told me all of this, I of course said, “Come back to America, betch. Live with me for the Summer or however long you need.” I had an empty room in my house calling her name and a job that was basically willing to hire meth heads off the street.

“What does she want to do? Dance?” He opened the safe and handed me the blue bank deposit bag for my cash drawer.

“No, you idiot.” I should’ve smacked him over the top of the head. “Door girl.” He thought about it for a minute. “You can’t deny it would be nice to have a reliable door girl on the weekends. You know, someone who shows up on time … and in general,” I added.

“It would be nice,” he nodded in agreement, “but you’ll have to talk to Richard.” I suggested he talk to Richard for me and he suggested I grow a pair of balls. Touché.

Back in the kitchen as I sliced my fruit into wedges for the day, I was delighted to discover Kell was working.

“What’s new, kid?”

“Hello, you beautiful saint.” I beamed as Kell handed me a few slices of bacon. “I think my sister is going to move into my place for the Summer.”

“I didn’t know you had family here.” He summoned me into the walk-in for a toke.

“I don’t. She’s been traveling the hemispheres but now she’s seeking allegiance with a tribe that required her to briefly return home to America.”

“Oh yeah?” he finally exhaled and handed the pipe to me.

“I don’t know the full story yet but let’s just say the other dimension will show itself. The rivers will weep and the phoenix will speak the truth before blowing the fuck up and crumbling into ashes. Like in Harry Potter.”

If I had said this to anybody else, they would’ve asked me what the hell I was talking about or at the very least, given me a funny look. Not Kell! He simply nodded and said, “A secret society,” while staring straight ahead, deep into thought.

“Indubitably,” I said.

“Indubitably.” He gave me a fist pound and walked out of the cooler.


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